Reflections

What an emotionally mixed-up last few days!

I've heard it said that "getting control over one's emotions" is something we should strive for--an emblem of true maturity, in a sense.

I would agree, to some extent. However, I find it excruciating to force myself to appear one way when I'm clearly not. Of course, certain times call for composure. I try not to lose my composure, but, more often than not, I fail. I've been told many a time that I wear my heart on my sleeve. It gets me into trouble. But, sometimes, I think it's HEALTHY to show our emotions. To say, "Here I am world, I am alive, and I feel!!"

I just discovered a few days ago that my friend Seye's (pronounced shay) mother passed away. Seye is also an Ambassadorial Scholar here in AU. He's from Nigeria and is a Neurologist. I've grown quite fond of him, as he reminds me of a lot of my close friends back at home, all rolled into one. I feel so, for him and his family. I'm glad God doesn't mind us asking "why, God?"...

Then, completely on the flip-side of my emotion-o-meter, I got to sit with friends and be in awe of a fantastic performance of Wicked. It was sooo good. No, great!

I can't help but feel somewhat guilty for having a good time while my friend was on his way back home to grieve the loss of the woman who gave him life. I feel even stranger just typing about it...

What makes us keep going? What gives us the ability to not be consumed by every grievance in this world, and to smile? Sometimes it's selfishness. We're too self-absorbed to have any real empathy. Sometimes it's detachment. I've no personal acquaintances with those across the seas, so it's hard to understand what war must be like. Many times, though, for me, I know it's God. He keeps me going. This battered, beaten ol' carcass of a woman. He uses me. *shakes head* Hard to believe, isn't it?

"To love your brother as yourself", then, is quite a serious business. Do we cry for one another? Do we comfort? Not just a sad, "I'll keep you in my prayers", but a real, step-out-of-the-comfort-zone sacrifice?

I want to do that more. I need to do that more.

I'm such a selfish creature. Since I came out of my mother's womb, I've been crying for things my way! Love never takes...it gives. And gives. And gives.

God, help me love.

This is Wicked Awesome!!

I get to see Wicked tomorrow night!!!!!!!!!! Wooooooooooo!! A friend had an extra ticket! I'm so blessed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Spread the joy. :D

I'm Still Alive!

So, a VERY quick update on life in AU...

So much has happened since my last entry, I can't catch you up on everything! But I'm done with Uni for the semester, I've been speaking and performing at various clubs, and I've made some really great friends!

I've made a little "triangle" of travel. So far, I've been as far North as Newcastle, as far West as the Blue Mts. and as far South as Wollongong. I've been encouraged to travel by myself to parts of AU that are worth seeing, but I really don't want to do it alone. I'm hoping that, somehow, someone will want and be able to come with me. And this person must be a girl. Stipulations such as this make it a bit hard to say it will happen, but I am choosing to stay positive :D

Newest insight? It saddens me to no end to see my country from the other side of the hemisphere. I read and watched Obama's Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech, and it made me...less than happy. He's good with words, I'll give him that. But the problem is that his words don't match up. It all sounds good, it's glazed with a nauseating sugar-coating of sweet-talk, but when you really look at it...it's crap. Force is necessary to promote peace? That's like getting angry and screaming at your child that they shouldn't be angry about something...it's hypocrisy. The real issue is that Americans don't want to give up the throne of power. No, Al Quaida isn't being peaceful, and yes, we have a right to defend our loved ones... but when's the last time anyone tried loving their enemy? I know it's complicated, I know it sounds like I'm saying we should all let people walk all over us, but... I just can't see how we can say we should fight for freedom, because every human being is precious, yet choose to kill some people who just aren't as precious as the rest. Something's just not right. And no, just war will never exist.

God help us all. Not just the Americans.

Also, if you've had trouble listening to my recital bites in the last entry, download iTunes. You'll be able to open them with that.

Lastly, but certainly not least...the most amazing news to ever reach my ears...Brian is coming to visit me!!!!!!!! I know, I know. I can hardly believe it myself! My beloved has worked so hard this semester, saving every penny (literally) so that he can come to visit! He's landing on January 1 and leaving the 13.

It's so surreal. I've been wanting to see him for these past five months, and here is the chance that he will come! I say "chance" because his passport is to come in THREE DAYS before he leaves. That's cutting it quite close, so I'm leaving room for disappointment. But 90% of me wants to cry with hope and joy! My love... coming all that way, to see ME!?!

*jumps up and down without reserve, giggling all the while*