This week was, by far, better than last week. Now, it wasn't completely pleasant. And there were many things that annoyed me, saddened me and made me want to give up. But when those instances came, I breathed in, asked my God for His supernatural joy, and breathed out.
That's always been something very interesting to me--joy and happiness are two different things. Happiness is more of a momentary emotion. It hinges on my circumstances. Joy, on the other hand, is a deep-routed experience. It causes happiness, for sure, but it is not dependent on outside influences. Now, I can experience something which makes me sad (loss of happiness) while retaining my joy. I think that someone who is happy may not necessarily be a joyful person, while someone who is joyful seems to be more happy overall. Does this make sense?
I finally have my two ensemble groups! I don't think I ever explained, but the gist of it is as follows: I am enrolled in two ensemble classes, both of which are supposed to teach me how to work in groups. These classes are basically student-led as each student is responsible for forming the group, setting up rehearsals, learning the music, etc. Well, I only just found my group last week. One is a trio with voice (me), piano and clarinet. The other group is a small orchestra with soprano (me) and countertenor. Tomorrow is my seminar class in which I'm supposed to show the teachers that my groups are actually getting stuff done. Thing is, with having only just found a group, we haven't really practiced together. I really hope this isn't going to affect my grade.
I sang for a vocal performance class last Wednesday. In this class, you sing in front of other students and the teacher and it's kind of like an open voice lesson. It was pretty awful. I usually have such passion and energy on the stage...but that day....it was just so....bleh. I felt quite embarrassed, especially since I think I made a boo boo. See, when I'm really nervous, I tend to make really bad jokes. Really bad. The students had agreed that the teacher's suggestion for shaping a certain phrase in my song was better than what I had thought best, which was absolutely fine with me! But, I jokingly inserted the statement, "But I'm American! Aren't I supposed to be right about everything?" I chuckled, delighted with my ironic utterance, only to see the students looking at one another with raised eyebrows and curling lips. I swear one student curled her lip at me. Eesh! "Bad stereotyping joke! Heh heh..." I blurted, feeling my face turn red. Nice, Josmery. You're supposed to break stereotypes, not augment them!
Today I had lunch next door, as the neighbors were having a small barbeque for a few of the locals. I met two girls around my age, Anna and Lisa, as well as a delightful five year-old girl named Georgia. In short, I made some new friends! And friends that are close to home, at that! Praise God! I actually prayed fervently for some gal friends just yesterday, and behold! It has come to pass! :)
Yeah, I've been pretty socially starved lately. It's not that I can't meet people or that I'm shy. God knows that's not my problem. It seems that the opposite is my dilemma. Perhaps my observances are ill-placed, skewed by the perspective I have, but I feel like the majority of the people I have met so far think I'm really strange. Not because of dress, mannerisms, culture or some weird twitch, but mainly because I don't find joy in the things they find pleasant. Most of the people I have met that are my age hang out at pubs. It's what people do here. Now, I'm not against going out for a drink. Goodness, no way! But it's the environment I don't like. I don't like walking in somewhere and feeling the eyes of men who have had a few drinks in their system scan me up and down. I don't like watching the slow fade of my company's inhibitions give forth to a completely different countenance. In fact, I think it quite rude. Am I that boring that someone has to feel "loose" in order to have more fun with me? Add to that the fact that I can't laugh when people talk about who's sleeping with who and how "funny" it was when so-and-so had to be drug into a house by two guys because he was so wasted...my socializing kinda falls apart there.
I actually had someone tell me, in the middle of their chuckling over a story of someone being drunk, "Don't judge me". I had not said a word! And I was actually making great effort not to give off a snubby countenance (you know, crossed arms, tapping finger, raised right eyebrow) but rather to honor them by simply not saying anything negative. It's not me that's making them feel guilty. I believe every person knows what's good humor and what's crude. But I cannot laugh along with people over something I find so humorless. I will not "blend in with the crowd". I've experienced too much pain when I've done so in the past, trying to be that which God has not called me to be.
And yet, it would be so much easier to not care. It would be so much easier just to live as others are, to just "live it up". To join in the gossip with "the girls". To ignore that certain look of sadness in someone's eyes when you ask them how they are and they lie by saying "fine", rather than taking the risk of inquiring further and offering a shoulder to lean on. To keep your mouth shut when you see a wrong being committed. To turn on the television rather than speak with a family member. To agree that "all roads lead to one place". It would all be so much easier...
But I canNOT. I've actually been wondering lately if I've gotten a little crazy, you know? Have I totally lost it? Am I obsessed with this whole "God" thing? Am I some crazy Bible-belt-Texan spittin' off random phrases about religion? In truth? I am crazy. I am obsessed. But I am not these things because of where I'm from, and especially not because of tradition. If that were true, then everyone from S.E. Texas would be willing and eager to discuss God at any given moment. But we all know that's not true.
Something amazing has gripped my life, and I have to share it. Some do not want to hear it, and I understand that. I don't push, because I hated when people did that to me. It's not my job to open hearts--that's the Holy Spirit. John 6:44, the words of Jesus Himself says that no one comes to Christ unless God calls them. Oh, he who has ears...let him hear!
So, God is unavoidable to me in everyday conversations. And yet, I don't look for ways to slip Him in, either. It's not like someone says, "Wow, I really like that new movie that just came out, have you seen it?" and I say, "Well, no, I have not. But hast thou thought of the eternal film that God can see of thine SOUL?!?!" Ha ha...*shivers* now that would be creepy.
I dunno. I've actually been wondering about the whole Rotary thing. Am I expected to be all "I live and breathe Rotary"? I don't think so. And if I am, then the wrong person was sent. I think Rotary does some amazing things, I do. But it recently struck me that unless I care about the souls of the people I encounter, then all the good deeds I do for them are in vain.
People will suffer in their lifetime. And yes, we have a huge ability to ease that suffering. But all people will die. We cannot ease that stark reality. Their soul, however, is imperishable. How am I addressing that? How am I treating that? If I serve someone food and make sure they don't starve yet fail to feed their soul, which is everlasting, then I am not loving them to my fullest potential. Is this to say that all good deeds done by non-Christians are pointless? Absolutely not. I am speaking for all Christians, because we have the remedy to the world's biggest sickness: eternal death. I have joy and life everlasting. I want to and must share that with as many people as I can. It's that simple.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Please leave me a comment by typing it below!