Expectations and Canvas

Everyone has expectations. I believe they are wonderful to have, for they keep us all "in line" with ourselves. They're the unseen code. Most of our adult behavior is defined by what we learn as youngsters, by what is expected of us. I still hear my mother's voice echoing in my ear every time I walk into my room and see that I haven't kept it tidy... "Clean your room, Josmery." Especially true in this area is when I first wake up and actually get out of bed. "Make your bed before you do anything else, and you won't have to worry about it later."

Some things take years to stick. :)

But what about when your desires begin to change? What about fulfilling the duties you once completely believed in but, with time, have come to see they in themselves are no longer what you truly desire?

I want to paint the canvas. I used to think the best way I could paint was by using this one set of brushes, yet I have grown to see that a completely different Brush makes far better strokes. It is THE brush. It was made for painting. It is the paint.

Some people expect me to continue with the first set of brushes.

I know what I want.

I have heard it said, "It doesn't matter what brush you use, as long as you paint. So continue with the first set."

I want to ask, "Then what is the issue with me using the best Brush? Please try it. You will see the difference."

But some people cannot see the colors.

Father

I don't know how to say this,

Don't know if you'd believe.

But somewhere 'neath this carcass I still desire to see

You. came and went like breezes, empty,

Where no caress was felt.

And now you're back into my life, the one that nearly fell

Apart. from all the lies you've told,

And all the rancid acts,

Apart from all of "could have beens", I know this is a fact

Of life. there is no limit

For He has conquered death.

It is His love that I can give, because in me's His breath.

Of what use is it to focus on what I do not have? On what wrong has been done? Can I alter anything but my own actions? Can I take a magical eraser and make it all go away? No.

Ask yourself: would you choose to have the hope of joy, or not know what joy is at all?

Me? I choose to hope.

Update #Whatever

*voice of Shirley Temple*  Oh, my goodness, oh, my goodness!!

Life has taken too many shots of caffeine and I can't seem to catch up!

Yet, I have had such fantastically wonderful experiences of late, that I kind of don't want to! I just returned from camping with the Becketts at the Wombian Caves. It was sooo fun! I did real exercise for four days straight! I know, I know... amazing. Mind you, there are many funny stories to be told with said trip, but you'll just have to wait until I see you in person.

I finally finished choosing my rep. for this semester (something I should have done 1 mo. ago), and I have to say, I think it's pretty good! I look forward to seeing what my teacher says about my choices. I'm so glad to have had Ms. Greschner for 4 years, with a wicked knowledge of repertoire and literature to help choose it!

A lot is going well, really well. But my heart longs to go home. I'm counting the days! Let's face it. I was at a different point in my life two years ago, when I first applied for this scholarship. Now, I want to settle down and cuddle with Brian for the rest of my life.

Sigh... it's just one of those nights where I really miss him. It's been one of those nights for a looong time...