2 Corinthians 5:20

It's amazing what one's attitude and/or outlook can do for every experience in life.

This week was, by far, better than last week. Now, it wasn't completely pleasant. And there were many things that annoyed me, saddened me and made me want to give up. But when those instances came, I breathed in, asked my God for His supernatural joy, and breathed out.

That's always been something very interesting to me--joy and happiness are two different things. Happiness is more of a momentary emotion. It hinges on my circumstances. Joy, on the other hand, is a deep-routed experience. It causes happiness, for sure, but it is not dependent on outside influences. Now, I can experience something which makes me sad (loss of happiness) while retaining my joy. I think that someone who is happy may not necessarily be a joyful person, while someone who is joyful seems to be more happy overall. Does this make sense?

I finally have my two ensemble groups! I don't think I ever explained, but the gist of it is as follows: I am enrolled in two ensemble classes, both of which are supposed to teach me how to work in groups. These classes are basically student-led as each student is responsible for forming the group, setting up rehearsals, learning the music, etc. Well, I only just found my group last week. One is a trio with voice (me), piano and clarinet. The other group is a small orchestra with soprano (me) and countertenor. Tomorrow is my seminar class in which I'm supposed to show the teachers that my groups are actually getting stuff done. Thing is, with having only just found a group, we haven't really practiced together. I really hope this isn't going to affect my grade.

I sang for a vocal performance class last Wednesday. In this class, you sing in front of other students and the teacher and it's kind of like an open voice lesson. It was pretty awful. I usually have such passion and energy on the stage...but that day....it was just so....bleh. I felt quite embarrassed, especially since I think I made a boo boo. See, when I'm really nervous, I tend to make really bad jokes. Really bad. The students had agreed that the teacher's suggestion for shaping a certain phrase in my song was better than what I had thought best, which was absolutely fine with me! But, I jokingly inserted the statement, "But I'm American! Aren't I supposed to be right about everything?" I chuckled, delighted with my ironic utterance, only to see the students looking at one another with raised eyebrows and curling lips. I swear one student curled her lip at me. Eesh! "Bad stereotyping joke! Heh heh..." I blurted, feeling my face turn red. Nice, Josmery. You're supposed to break stereotypes, not augment them!

Today I had lunch next door, as the neighbors were having a small barbeque for a few of the locals. I met two girls around my age, Anna and Lisa, as well as a delightful five year-old girl named Georgia. In short, I made some new friends! And friends that are close to home, at that! Praise God! I actually prayed fervently for some gal friends just yesterday, and behold! It has come to pass! :)

Yeah, I've been pretty socially starved lately. It's not that I can't meet people or that I'm shy. God knows that's not my problem. It seems that the opposite is my dilemma. Perhaps my observances are ill-placed, skewed by the perspective I have, but I feel like the majority of the people I have met so far think I'm really strange. Not because of dress, mannerisms, culture or some weird twitch, but mainly because I don't find joy in the things they find pleasant. Most of the people I have met that are my age hang out at pubs. It's what people do here. Now, I'm not against going out for a drink. Goodness, no way! But it's the environment I don't like. I don't like walking in somewhere and feeling the eyes of men who have had a few drinks in their system scan me up and down. I don't like watching the slow fade of my company's inhibitions give forth to a completely different countenance. In fact, I think it quite rude. Am I that boring that someone has to feel "loose" in order to have more fun with me? Add to that the fact that I can't laugh when people talk about who's sleeping with who and how "funny" it was when so-and-so had to be drug into a house by two guys because he was so wasted...my socializing kinda falls apart there.

I actually had someone tell me, in the middle of their chuckling over a story of someone being drunk, "Don't judge me". I had not said a word! And I was actually making great effort not to give off a snubby countenance (you know, crossed arms, tapping finger, raised right eyebrow) but rather to honor them by simply not saying anything negative. It's not me that's making them feel guilty. I believe every person knows what's good humor and what's crude. But I cannot laugh along with people over something I find so humorless. I will not "blend in with the crowd". I've experienced too much pain when I've done so in the past, trying to be that which God has not called me to be.

And yet, it would be so much easier to not care. It would be so much easier just to live as others are, to just "live it up". To join in the gossip with "the girls". To ignore that certain look of sadness in someone's eyes when you ask them how they are and they lie by saying "fine", rather than taking the risk of inquiring further and offering a shoulder to lean on. To keep your mouth shut when you see a wrong being committed. To turn on the television rather than speak with a family member. To agree that "all roads lead to one place". It would all be so much easier...

But I canNOT. I've actually been wondering lately if I've gotten a little crazy, you know? Have I totally lost it? Am I obsessed with this whole "God" thing? Am I some crazy Bible-belt-Texan spittin' off random phrases about religion? In truth? I am crazy. I am obsessed. But I am not these things because of where I'm from, and especially not because of tradition. If that were true, then everyone from S.E. Texas would be willing and eager to discuss God at any given moment. But we all know that's not true.

Something amazing has gripped my life, and I have to share it. Some do not want to hear it, and I understand that. I don't push, because I hated when people did that to me. It's not my job to open hearts--that's the Holy Spirit. John 6:44, the words of Jesus Himself says that no one comes to Christ unless God calls them. Oh, he who has ears...let him hear!

So, God is unavoidable to me in everyday conversations. And yet, I don't look for ways to slip Him in, either. It's not like someone says, "Wow, I really like that new movie that just came out, have you seen it?" and I say, "Well, no, I have not. But hast thou thought of the eternal film that God can see of thine SOUL?!?!" Ha ha...*shivers* now that would be creepy.

I dunno. I've actually been wondering about the whole Rotary thing. Am I expected to be all "I live and breathe Rotary"? I don't think so. And if I am, then the wrong person was sent. I think Rotary does some amazing things, I do. But it recently struck me that unless I care about the souls of the people I encounter, then all the good deeds I do for them are in vain.

People will suffer in their lifetime. And yes, we have a huge ability to ease that suffering. But all people will die. We cannot ease that stark reality. Their soul, however, is imperishable. How am I addressing that? How am I treating that? If I serve someone food and make sure they don't starve yet fail to feed their soul, which is everlasting, then I am not loving them to my fullest potential. Is this to say that all good deeds done by non-Christians are pointless? Absolutely not. I am speaking for all Christians, because we have the remedy to the world's biggest sickness: eternal death. I have joy and life everlasting. I want to and must share that with as many people as I can. It's that simple.

If you don't have anything nice to say...

Don't say anything at all.

You know, I think I'm going to make that my goal for this week. I'm going to choose the joy of the Lord versus the "the world is going down the toilet, no one's doing anything about it, i hate life" attitude. Somehow, I think it might make not only me, but those around me much more happy. After all, being a Christian's not about complaining how sucky everyone is, right? It's about being more Christlike. And Christ loved. That was His first priority. So...here I go!

Now, last week, although crappy, I did manage to witness a few things that seemed quite humorous to me. I managed to snap a photo of one of them! (see far left)

In the city (and conveniently behind the Con) are the Royal Botanical Gardens. Tourist, students, city folk, businessmen, etc. take-in its beauty. Now, this picture shows a businessman walking through the gardens. I think it's a fantastic idea--take a break from the hectic day in the office and enjoy nature! It seems like a normal picture, right? But, the reason I find this picture humorous is because of the story behind it.

There I was, relaxing on the grass, headphones in my ears, watching people and the sky. Suddenly, out of nowhere, comes this businessman strolling through the grass with his long legs and fancy suit. He takes quick giant strides, arms alternating like a pair of crazed scissors, his face stern and set on his prize: a perfect little spot next to a tree. He stops suddenly, drops his suitcase, and plops (yes, literally plops) down and sits indian style. After about one minute, he falls on his back. In the grass. In his fancy suit. It was awesome! He just stretched out his arms and lay there. I don't know how long he did this for, but it must have been at least twenty minutes. He then sits up, dusts himself off, picks up his case and takes some more giant strides in the exact direction he came from. No snack, no relaxing in the sun. Just like that, he was gone. It was quite random. After that incident, I decided to jot down a few more things that were ironic/humorous that I witnessed throughout the day. Here's what I gathered:

• Old man in a suit picks his nose with left index finger on the train and "nonchalantly" puts the very same finger in his mouth. Nice.
• An Asian fellow walks cooly down Macquarie street wearing expensive sunglasses, a crisp jacket and unzipped fly. How suave!
• I see two mothers ahead of me pushing their baby strollers and think, "Aw, babies!" Then I see that one of the moms is wearing see-through pants. Really see-through. Eugh.
• A burly, husky man with a look of "get out of my way" crosses Broadway Street. Tough guy! Especially with his tiny Chihuahua in its pink sweater skipping behind him on its bright yellow leash. Classic!

I think I'll start keeping up with these things more often. It helps the day go by... :D

How to Escape the Black Hole

I have had a really not-so-great week. I can't say it was horrible, because my blessings are just too blatant to ignore. But, I have been emotionally exhausted. It has effected my physical being, which is always surprising to me.

I, at any given moment, love Sydney. Love it's busy lifestyle, love the big-city-vibe, love the sites, the food, the people, the culture. Then, just as quickly, I wish I were anywhere but Sydney. I hate the busy lifestyle. I hate how big everything is. I hate all the stupid posters saying "buy this", "lose 5 kilos", "Avenue Q is a hit", blah blah blah. I miss salty, greasy, unhealthy food cooked my my mom. I get irritated with people and their stupid culture of working and working for nothing.

Most of all, I am so tired of passing up the people sitting on the streets with signs begging for money. It kills me every time. No, I don't think that giving them money is the best option. No, I don't think that not giving them money is the best option. I just can't stand how freaking COMFORTABLE it can become to pass them by!! It's just not okay. It seems we think, I don't know them, so why should I bother? Instead, I'll worry myself over which pair of shoes to buy, because one is made from real leather but the other has a really cute buckle on the side.

What are we doing?! Can we not see that all this STUFF, this wasted STUFF is drawing us deeper and deeper into a black hole of numbness? It's so easy to get caught up into it. So easy. I feel like Spiderman when he has that black goop all over him and he tries to rip it off but it just sticks tighter and tighter.

People, we cannot lose sight of Truth. Please, please someone! He who has ears to hear, let him hear! No, buying daffodils for breast cancer is not enough. No, volunteering at soup kitchens doesn't cut it. No, being a kind and generous person to all who cross your path will not cure this disease. Because that is what it is. We are born sick. And there are those of us that have the remedy, but we just sit on the sidelines, watching the living dead march up and down the rivers of concrete and tar.

I am guilty. I have failed to provide the remedy to everyone I meet each and every day. But, there is hope. And He lives within my carbon ribs, pulsing and breathing. And when the time is right, He gives me the words I don't have. He gives me the alms I can't provide. He gives the patience, kindness, satisfaction, humility, selflessness, calm, forgiveness and joy that I lack.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that if you have a nice home and enjoy eating cake while watching a nice movie you're a terrible person. Goodness, no! I just feel like I see (and experience) the blatant overlooking of so many a needy person. Yes, it's complicated. But we can't just leave it how it is, can we?

Drama

And, ladies and gentlemen, the giddiness is vanished. Like a candle snuffed out by a clumsy sneeze.

There's boogers in my candle. Thank you, estrogen. You have proven your bi-polar-inducing abilities to completely change my mood in less than a minute.

And, curtains close.

Du Ring an meinem Finger

Warning: the following may cause headaches, upset stomach, nausea and/or irritable bowels to all males. You have been advised.*

What is it about marriage? Hmm? The wedding, the dress, the flowers, the music. The tunnel-vision that suddenly overtakes you when you walk down the isle. If I were a part of a completely different culture, would I still be this giddy when thinking about the ceremony?

Back in Texas, I almost never watched television. Well, at least when I began my college career. I watched plenty of television (too much, actually) growing up, but when I got to Lamar I just decided that I didn't want to have to fight the temptation of losing brain cells in front of the tube. So, for four years, I didn't watch much t.v., save the random visits to someone's place where one was located. Aside: I highly encourage you to try life without t.v. for, mmm, one week. See how much your life improves when you do!

But, here in AU, I have a television. Well, the D'Alessandri's do. Now, I'm still not really interested in most of the programs that are on, but I am, sad to say, quite loving discovering every detail of Lorelai and Rory Gilmore from the show Gilmore Girls. I've officially finished the first season (except for disc 2, since it is sadly missing), and began the second. Lorelai accepted the proposal from Max, Rory's teacher. However, Lorelai obviously loves Luke, who owns the coffee shop in town. Now, Luke totally hasn't divulged his secret affections for Lorelai, but I just KNOW he will. Perhaps in the next disk. :)

Now, why do I bring this up? Because it makes me giddy. Relationships. Thinking about getting married. Now, there's the whole "reality" thing... you know, love is a choice, it's hard work, there are bills to be paid, yada yada yada... But I'm 22. And I love "love". Please let me clarify that under no circumstances are the characters of Gilmore Girls even remotely wise or discerning about what real love is all about. I do not live my life expecting nor wanting it to be anything remotely similar to the director's sad idea of romance. It's all the frilly stuff of the show (man pursues girl, girl loves man, man and girl live happily ever after) that makes me feel fluffy inside! And a girl can't help thinking about marriage and then "inadvertently" catch a glimpse of herself in a mirror as she walks to her room. And, like a five year-old, she can't help but to look at her reflection and imagine the white veil (or dainty hair accessories, depending). And the perfect makeup. And the most fantastic hair day EVER. And pearls. Beautiful pearls. Like any child, so innocent and playful, she imagines twirling in the big, soft, white gown, and being watched by the only pair of eyes that have ever been able to convey that she is truly the most beautiful creature ever to twirl in a glistening gown. Imperfections and all.

So, like I said, I love "love". *Sigh* And, for the moment, I will repose in this light-heartedness....

Okay, done. Nothing like a little daydreaming to make a girl feel better about, well, everything!

I shall leave you with some amazing lyrics by John Marc McMillan. It speaks of the returning of our Lord. Now, that will be the best wedding ever! I get to be a bride, TWICE!! :D

Ten Thousand

Ten thousand glimmering like coals in our chest

Ball bearings drawn to the magnetic breath

Of ten thousand weeping with wings on their tears

Amidst ten thousand voices for ten thousand years

For ten thousand graves yawning unlocked and unlatched

Now ten thousand holes with rocks on their backs

Ten thousand tombs gaping wide singing the praise

Of ten thousand bodies unlaced and unlaid

As the ten thousand highways unfold their doors

For the ten thousand standing on Nineveh's shores

Where the blood of a husband silences wars

For the girl who rises to meet him

And she sings

World, I have overcome you

World, I have overcome you

World, I have overcome

By my song and the blood of a son

Ten thousand rivers

Run red like my veins

Where the bones of men hum

Like a rattling cage

For sinew to cling to

And wind to remain

In ten thousand lungs

For ten thousand days

Breathing like a choir

Of holes in the ground

Where the cynical have lain

Where the cynical go down

Save the gravity of time

Lets go of her drowned

Like ten thousand sparrows

Unlocked and unwound

As the ten thousand highways unfold their doors

For the ten thousand standing on Nineveh's shores

Where the blood of a husband silences wars

For the girl who rises to meet him

And she sings

World, I have overcome you

World, I have overcome you

World, I have overcome

By my song and the blood of a son

*Josmery Ramirez is not, nor will she ever be, a real doctor with real health facts for any readers, friends, family members and/or living beings on this planet. The claims made above are purely for entertainment purposes of said blogger.

Plugged-up Ears

Sometimes, when the burden gets so heavy, I just have to drown it out with music. And yet, I can't run away, I just can't escape reality. And I think..."How did Jesus do it?"

The following are lyrics from my favorite band, Jars of Clay. I went to the park and just vegged in the sun after feeling greatly overwhelmed. It's been one of those days. Those days when you want to love, but you don't know how. Those days when you see the truth in yourself and it makes you nauseous. Those days when you are forced to admit that you are still a human being. Those days when everything in your life turns upside down.

By the way, I highly encourage you to visit Jars' webpage. They are awesome.

Headphones, by Jars of Clay

I don't have to hear it, if I don't want to

I can drown this out, pull the curtains down on you

it's a heavy world, it's too much for me to care

If I close my eyes, it's not there

With my headphones on, with my headphones on

With my headphones on, with my headphones on

We watch television...but the sound is something else

Just a song played against the drama,

so the hurt is never felt

I take in the war-fires, and I'm

chilled by the current events

it's so hopeless, but there's a pop song in my

Headphones on, in my headphones on

With my headphones on, with my headphones on

At the Tube Stop, you sit down across from me

(I can see you looking back at me)

I think I know you

By the sad eyes that I see

I want to tell you (It's a heavy world)

Everything will be okay

You wouldn't hear it (I don't want to have to hear it)

So we go our separate ways...

With our headphones on, with our headphones on

With our headphones on, with our headphones on

I don't wanna be the one who tries to figure it out

I don't need another reason I should care about you

You don't want to know my story

You don't want to own my pain

Living in a heavy, heavy world

And there's a pop song in my head

I don't want to have to hear it

Randomness

So I've actually been doing stuff this week! Rotaract of Sydney allowed me to speak on my experiences in the program, and I helped a friend shop around for stuff for his new apartment. I'll just post the pictures. And don't worry, I haven't forgotten about the next in-depth-musings-entry--that will come in its own sweet time. Enjoy!

Musings on Faith: Entry 1

I'll be meeting up with a friend today to discuss the performance of a work by Mahler. I'm very excited about this prospect! If it all pans out, I'll be singing with a small orchestra! :)

Then, tonight, I get to meet a girl who lives down the street and seems to have a lot in common with me. Yay!

Lastly, I am thinking about looking at working at a private school as a tutor for music. If it doesn't conflict with my classes and I am provided a pianist, I think it may be a great opportunity! We shall see.

I've been thinking a lot lately (surprise!). Mainly, about faith. What is faith? Now, when I looked up the word "faith" as a noun in Webster's Dictionary, I discovered the following:

1 a : allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty b (1) : fidelity to one's promises (2) : sincerity of intentions

2 a (1) : belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2) : belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion b(1) : firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2) : complete trust
3 : something that is believed especially with strong conviction; especially : a system of religious beliefs

How interesting that the first entry is more of an action -- allegiance to duty or a person. Faith is an action. The second entry is more of what I was expecting -- firm belief in something for which there is no proof. That is more like blind faith, to me. Faith is trust. The final entry -- something believed with strong conviction. Faith changes your views.

Now, of course, I cannot let my reflections remain without spiritual input, as this is a spiritual subject. I do not have time to look at all the religions I've pondered on as of yet, but I'll continue them in another entry. For now, I'll start with a religion that I found quite interesting growing up, as I was on the search towards "self discovery". I believe many who follow this religion love it because of just that...it is a journey towards enlightenment, placed only in the hands of the individual and his/her ability to make it through. My questions begin at the...well, the beginning. To follow anything, as we've stated above, you must believe in it. Duh.

When I looked up "what do Buddhists believe about faith", I site-hopped and landed on the following page: "Faith, Doubt and Buddhism". I weaved through the article and came across the following quote by one the Zen masters,

"Do not be idolatrous about or bound to any doctrine, theory, or ideology, even Buddhist ones. Buddhist systems of thought are guiding means; they are not absolute truth."

Yet, just a few paragraphs below, I see some conflicting statements. For one, the writer states that Buddhism does not teach absolute truths. Okay, that goes along with the ambiguity that I sense from this religion (like so many others). According to the writer, the teachings of Buddhism are merely guides along one's dark path, as they leap towards the light.

But, if there is no absolute truth, then what is this light one is attempting to reach? One should not be bound by any doctrine, theory or ideology correct? Isn't the idea of a "better place than where you are now" an ideology or theory in itself? The belief that something could be better? If there is no absolute truth, then how does one know what the goal is? To attain... uncertainty? The belief that you know nothing except that you know nothing?

I scratched my head for a while and tried to see it from the perspective of a Buddhist. The journey. It's all about the journey. But I couldn't get it out of my head that I'm not supposed to have a true concept of any ideology...so where does the sense of right and wrong come from? The Eightfold Path of Buddhism has eight terms that one goes through on their journey through life. Amazingly, they are:

1. Right View
2. Right Intention
3. Right Speech
4. Right Action
5. Right Livelihood
6. Right Effort
7. Right Mindfulness
8. Right Concentration

Hmm...there's a "right" way and a "wrong" way, yet there is no absolute truth. That doesn't make any sense to me. Who decided there was a right view? Or a right speech?

Finally, at the bottom of this article, I find this statement:

"I think the dogmatic approach to religion, the one that demands unquestioning loyalty to an absolute belief system, is a faithless one. This approach causes people to cling to dogmas rather than follow a path. When taken to extremes, the dogmatist can be lost within the fantasy edifice of fanaticism."

As a Christian, a faith which proclaims Jesus is the one Way, one Truth and one Life, I can't help but pick this apart.

First of all, the wording of this statement...."demands unquestioning loyalty". Man! That sounds so harsh! But wait a second...unquestioning? Let's look at the Word...

Countless of instances, Jesus is questioned by the Pharisees, strangers, and especially, His disciples!

And these weren't just "what do you want to eat" questions, either. They were aimed right at God!

John 9:2 "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"

Matt. 17:19 "Why then could we not drive it [a demon] out?"

Matt. 18:1 "Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?"

Matt. 19:25 "Who then can be saved?"

Those are just his disciples. All throughout the Old Testament are questions from God's followers directed to Him as well. Christianity has never been a "shutup and believe it or go to Hell" faith. If that is what you've experienced, you've gotten the wrong gospel.

Secondly, the writer states that believing in something with your whole heart is a faithless act. Huh? I won't even go into that.

Thirdly, it is stated that if you believe just one thing, you are not following a path. I am definitely following a path...one that leads to Christ! "I am the Way..." Jesus states. "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path..." states the Psalmist. In fact, Proverbs 4:26 encourages us to "Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure."

Now, the last statement, I must agree with. One can become so legalistic and blinded by their own attempts to be God that they act in the most un-Christian ways possible. These are the poor souls who allow themselves to be consumed by tradition and/or one statement in the Word. Take for example "not sinning". 1 John states that anyone who follows Christ does not sin. It also states that if anyone says he has not sinned, he is a liar. How does that make sense, you ask? Some may say, "Aha! See, the Bible has contradictions everywhere." But you have to look deeper. It's not saying that once you're a Christian, you stop sinning altogether. It means continually sinning. Like, if I were an alcoholic that became a Christian. Boy, would it be hard to quit once and for all. Now, if I faltered and got drunk but thought, "It's okay, I'm a Christian" and continued, I would be living in sin. If I faltered but repented and made every effort not to do so again, the Word says God is faithful and just to forgive me of my sin. Period.

To wrap things up, I must point you towards this passage found in Mark 9. In it, a man asks Jesus to help him overcome his unbelief. Help me have faith in You. When I first became a Christian, I thought faith was up to me. I thought, "Man, I'm doubting! I'm such a bad Christian". Even faith comes from Christ. That is the mystery of Christianity. And I can say without hesitation that my faith comes from Him. What amazes me about nonbelievers is that they either think they have to do all the work, or that God does all the work for them. Neither is true. Nor the idea that being a Christian is becoming a chauvinistic holier-than-thou ideology. Jesus made that clear with the Pharisees. Have you ever asked God for faith in Him? Have you ever made the attempt? Faith is an action... take the leap.

Celebrate Singapore!

Yesterday I was invited to celebrate Singapore's National Holiday, similar to America's Independence Day. My friend Adrian, a conducting student here at the Con, invited me to join him and his friends for their special celebration. I must say, I was truly honored to be the only non-Singaporian individual, save for the owner of the apartment, there! How special am I!?!

Besides the apartment being fantastic, we had a lot of amazing Singaporian food. Adrian and his friends delighted to sit me down in front of the computer to watch videos on Singapore's history, culture, and especially food. I feel like I belong to their culture now! That's what I love about this scholarship...I'm seriously meeting people from all over the world, and learning about their countries! It's like I've gotten scholarship all over the world!

Did you know that Singapore has over 4 million people living within its borders, yet it is smaller than Los Angeles?! Talk about crowded cities! However, since the 1960's, when Singapore gained its independence, it has truly become an economic mystery. Poverty is low, incomes are high, and political strife is not very common. Plus, it's summer...all the time! Hmm...I know where I'll be living for the rest of my life! Ha ha!

I'm also really glad to have made some new friends. These people are so much fun! They remind me a lot of my friends back at home: friendly, funny, and outgoing. Yay!

I just finished practicing for about two hours! Surprisingly, my voice is doing alright! I thought I was pushing myself too hard, especially since I didn't get much sleep last night, but it feels pretty good. I've got six songs memorized now, and am beginning work on a piece by Reynaldo Hahn. I love his music! So pretty. I'm on a mission to memorize at least two pieces per week. I would love to do three, but we shall see.

Unfortunately, my teacher for the ensemble class won't be in until next Monday! Ack! I really hope things work themselves out. I just feel like I'm going to be stressed out later if I don't figure out what I'm doing now. *sigh*

Marie is cooking fish tonight! Yessss, so good. I am so blessed to be living at their home! God takes such good care of me...

Brian

Love is a wonderful thing...

Today, in America, is Brian and I's one year anniversary. We have been "officially" dating for 365 days!! Being away from him for our special day is really, really hard. Needless to say, my face is quite puffy from all the crying I've done.

How did we celebrate it? Well, I woke up at 9:00am to video chat with him on Gmail. And guess where he was!! Sitting outside Rao's, next to the little fountain, at the very same table where he asked me to be his girlfriend so long ago. Of course, that's when the water works came pouring out! He even wore the same shirt he was wearing that night. Gosh, I can still remember his face, those eyes looking adoringly at me... I've never seen such love in anyone's eyes before. I remember him saying, "I know you're probably wondering why I've brought you here," (we'd never been on a date before that day) "But I wanted to talk to you..." He continued by stating what the Lord had been showing him that summer; his existence had to be completely in God's hands before he could ever think to succeed at anything in life. He told me how special I was to him, and how he felt the Lord telling him that we were to be together.

I, of course, could feel my heart racing within me, for I loved him so much. I was just so scared! Not because of him, but of the future. Did I really trust God to take care of us? Did I truly believe that God had plans to prosper us and give us a hope and future? I knew what he was asking wasn't just a "hey, I like you, let's date". We had different backgrounds with relationships, but both came to the same conclusion: dating for the sake of dating is the worst idea EVER. His asking me to be his girlfriend, in effect, was the pre-engagement step.

I posed some serious questions to him, questions only he and I will ever know. And then I asked him, "Brian Mulvahill, do you promise to lead me into something extraordinary?" He beamed and replied, "Yes." Then I repeated over and over, "Yes! Then yes!"

The Lord has been so good to us. I remember having been hesitant to believe that God had something so great for me...I always had it in the back of my mind that He was out to get me somehow. That I had been such a bad sinner that He was going to torture me by making me think He was good. What a lie from the enemy! God is ALWAYS good. Always. Through Brian, He has made my life so, so full. Brian is my laughter, my blanket. He pushes my buttons, makes me stronger, makes me weaker, makes me happy. His walk with God is so fantastic. I want to be more like Christ because I see how much the Lord has done in Brian's life; Brian is a servant like no other. He is strong, but so gentle. He has never, ever put me down either in private, or in public. He is always lifting me up, even when I don't deserve it. Especially when I don't deserve it. He speaks of me like I'm an angel. He makes me feel like a princess! Our love is something so much deeper than words or appearances. So much deeper than what we have or don't have. Because our love is grounded in Christ. It truly, truly makes all the difference.

The ideas surrounding relationships in this world are so sad. There are so many misconceptions about a relationship revolving around Jesus. They think there is no freedom or fun. How wrong they are! Sadly, it's the relationships outside of Christ that I see have the most bondage. "Well, if he only treated me better," "She never respects me like I deserve," "Why should I be the one to change?" "He didn't really mean it, he always jokes like that," "All men are pigs," "All women are impossible," "I just keep finding the wrong person!"

An endless cycle of attempting to fill a void only remedied by Him. Before, I could never love because I did not know Love. It's true for any relationship. Know Christ, and you will love like you never thought possible.

So, to the man that first showed me true love (Love), I say: may God bless you, beloved. May you build His kingdom with that precious heart He bestowed to you. May your light shine before men that they see your good deeds and glorify your Father who is in heaven. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for always making me feel beautiful, even when I'm not being lovely. Thank you for always, always listening to me and wanting to talk. Thank you for treating others like you wish to be treated. You are such an inspiration to me. You are such an amazing leader! Your gentleness with me makes me look forward to serving you for the rest of my life (God, let it be!). I love you so much, and I wish so badly you were here with me. Almost one month down! Just eleven more to go... God give us strength.

From Opera to Suds

So I finally had the chance to see the Sydney Opera House from inside. Verdict?

Meh.

Not that it's not spectacular anyway, just because it's the Opera House, but I was in the smaller of the two halls that make up the House. The opera we (my friends Faeron & John included) saw was Fidelio. I ended up sitting in the third-to-last row in the back, right underneath the level above me, which, needless to say, affected the acoustics for me as a listener. However, during the second act, Faeron and I went and sat with our friend John, who happened to have two empty seats beside him-- in the third row from the front. The sound was much, much better there and I really enjoyed it. Here are some pictures of us on the perimeter of the House, the Harbour Bridge sparkling behind us.

What was really neat was seeing some of my new friends in the opera chorus! How cool?!

So, on to different events: John, my host counselor, almost caught on fire today. He was trying to make coffee by boiling the beverage on the stove in this little coffee maker contraption. Well, in the attempt to lift the contraption off the stove (using a long, fire-prone rag to grab the handle), he accidentally spilled the hot coffee all over the counter, floor and part of his leg. The rag also caught fire. Thankfully, he was not injured whatsoever. Well, except maybe his pride. ;)

That's okay, though, because you have to learn one way or another! As evident from my little mishap with their dishwashing machine. I'd never really used one before, and I put liquid soap in the little soap compartment. Filled it all the way to the top! Oopsies.

On another note, I hope to find out exactly what I'm supposed to be doing in my classes. See, I'm in three. Two ensemble classes and my voice class. I know what to do for voice, but the ensembles...no real clue. I'm going to go to the Con first thing on Monday and see what's up.

It's a lazy day today. I love it.

O World, Open Your Eyes

Yesterday (Wednesday) was such an eventful day!

I woke up at 5:30am once more to be able to attend the Darling meeting at the Grace Hotel. Tanya Plibersek, a member of NSW Parliament, spoke on battling homelessness. Her proposals are very interesting, and although quite optimistic, she does not deny the difficulties that will and have come through these efforts. I could go on and on about what she wishes to do, but if you visit this link, you can listen to it all for yourself! Basically, Australia is trying to halve homelessness by 2020! How ambitious is that?! I was able to ask Darling Tanya (she was inducted as an official Honorary Sydney Darling Member) how they were going to get the workers for such a feat...were they going to be paid workers, volunteers, or what? She explained that this side of the homelessness issue was a big one. Many people who work in homeless shelters or with the homeless people are greatly underpaid, if at all. Unfortunately, multiple workers will quit because they see no end to their struggle (very much like their homeless counterparts). After all, they have bills to pay as well. Tanya hopes to make the positions available to them ones that give the opportunity to progress up the ladder, of course depending on the success, reliability and work ethics of the employee.

My only concern with this matter is the heart issue. How does one verify the level of compassion of a person? I don't think you can, really. I just hope that this doesn't turn into people just working for another firm.

Many homeless people feel that others don't care about them. I walk the streets of Sydney and see person after person being ignored, or worse, looked down upon, by some stuffy person in a business suit, clutching their expensive suitcases and PDA's. Where is the heart? Before the Lord opened my heart, I used to think that homeless people just needed to get off their butts and find a job. But how do you get a job when you've never had one or been able to keep one for the lack of professional education? Or how do you even get hired, no matter how much work ethic you have, when you don't have the clothes or appearance for anyone to take you seriously? How does one believe in themselves enough to try to make a better existence, when day after day they are shooed off the doorsteps of business owners and, appallingly, church buildings? There are so many layers to everything. If we don't care about the person, the issues surrounding their lives will never change.

After the meeting I went off to school. I had the pleasure of sitting-in on an Opera performance class, where I watched a few of my new friends perform. Oh, if only I could have been up there. Someday, maybe...

I then had my first lesson with Barry Ryan, a baritone with a big, booming voice and a dynamic personality. Results? My voice is much fuller, richer, and focused when I use his technique! However, this new technique will take much getting used to, especially since I'm using muscles in ways I never really have before. I also am not used to hearing my voice the way it sounds with his technique. When I sing, what I hear is completely different from what an audience member hears, because my ears are inside my head! Crazy, huh? That's why you'll hear people squeal after hearing themselves on a recording, "But do I really sound like that?" Barry wants me to sing everything forte until I develop this new muscle memory. I am thinking of bringing earplugs to rehearsals, for every time he demonstrates something to me, the entire room shakes!!

Today I went on a bush walk with Marie. It was so beautiful! What a blessing to have such a wonderful trail just a block away from the house! I hope my knees strengthen with this exercise.

When I came in after the bush walk, I sat and ate my lunch and watched a bit of television. There was this documentary about Japan's defense training program. Basically, Japan doesn't have a "real" military because in the 1930's or 40's the US "helped" them create a law in their constitution that made them unable to have one. However, when the Cold War came around, the US was eager for Japan to join their side. Today, Japan is in turmoil over whether they should eradicate Article 9 and gain back their military. Some are adamant that they should, because they are in danger of attack if they don't. Others say that they should just defend themselves, but not attack anyone.

In a section of the documentary, it showed the inside of a classroom of the defense training school. The students were asked to use one word to describe America. Here are some of the words they chose:

• Center
• Super
• Strong
• Military
• Leader
• Power

One student said that because the US is the most powerful country in the world, everything they decide affects the lives in every other country.

Honestly, I have never seen it that way before. I always wondered why it seemed that every person I talked to that was around my age and from another country seemed so interested in American politics. "So what do you think about Bush?" People ask me. "Who did you vote for in the last election?" "What's it like to live in America?"

All these questions I have never considered to be that important to me. Although I don't take the blessings I have for granted, I have never felt very "Yes, America! We are number one!" Politics just never seemed that important to me. I suppose I always felt that my vote would never really make a difference. Yeah, we have a democracy, but I once heard that our voting methods rule out the true voice of the people. It gets so complicated, I really don't know. I just know that I wouldn't choose any political leader that I've been presented with. I don't trust a person in that kind of power that is not getting guidance from God. And I am not saying this as an ignorant Bible-thumper. It's true. The fear of God (revering and following Him) is the beginning of understanding. I think of King Solomon, the wisest king. His wisdom came from the Lord. No, he wasn't perfect, not by a mile! But he sought out the Lord. That's what's important. Politicians are pulled apart in every direction by so many different facets, and everyone is trying to be so politically correct... I just can't trust them!

Here in Sydney, I've gotten a dose of what others think about my country; I know it's just the beginning. This is a new practice for me...to seriously consider my country's policies. I kinda like it. :D

Spiritual Observations

People talk about the economy like it's the biggest thing happening in our world. People talk about television shows like they're the only thing on anyone's mind. Michael Phelps is a household name. So is Larry King. Music consumes the lives of many people. When you mention these things, no one raises an eyebrow. No one does a double-take. Not even when you talk about war or anarchy or terrorist attacks. Why? Because it's what's in our lives every day. It's what we deal with on a minute-by-minute basis. These things are important to us (some more than others) and help form our culture, beliefs and habits. Nothing wrong with that, right?

So why is God so different?

I have come to realize that when you love something, you talk about it. All the time. I talk about Brian more in one day than I can count on one hand! I talk about God more. I talk about music like it's going out of style (although that's obviously not the case). God pops into my sentences more. I'm not holier-than-thou. I'm not anything special, in blatant truth. I just love God. He is the essence of all things good, and without Him, my journey through life would be absolutely pointless.

I find it absolutely devastating that this is not the case for the majority of the people I have met here. Not just here, but back at home as well. God is further and further down the list of priorities in peoples' lives, so much so that the mention of His name causes looks of baffled anxiety. And what's interesting to me is that it's Christ and the Father and the Holy Spirit that cause such reactions. Speak your Buddhist philosophies, and people look with wonder and curiosity. Speak out your Witchcraft beliefs, and people, though perhaps wary, view you with quiet interest. Speak on the "facts" of the Atheistic worldview, and people seem undaunted. Propagate your Pluralistic ideals and people think you sane. But never speak of God and His goodness, His love and justice, His wrath and mercy; these things are only for the "brainwashed". And if you're not "brainwashed", but perhaps you're just quaint for wanting to comfort yourself with the idea of God.

This is what people think. And they continue their lives, empty and without true meaning, and they just keep trudging. And they say they are learning, and they say they are growing. But a stream that has blocked its source from pouring into it will dry up. Sooner or later it will evaporate, because it has emptied itself of its essence. No matter where it tries to replenish itself, only the spring which created it will cause it to live again.

You know what's really interesting? As I stated before, it is the Christian God that everyone seems to have real issues with. I believe that personal experience has triggered such states. One poor man fumbling along in his relationship with the Lord displayed his own faults to another, and that person took that situation and labeled all Christians the same.

How quick a non-believer will tell me they can't stand the hypocrisy of so-called "Christians" while reminding me that I shouldn't judge them. *sigh* The human condition.

God is good. No...God is great. No, He's indescribable!! His word is truth. Not religion. Why don't people get that?

I've heard it said you should avoid politics, war and religion in conversations. It seems to me that people mean you should avoid the latter, because the other two are spoken of and written about in newspapers every day!

I love people and I want to help them, but I can't do that in my own strength or will. I have nothing to give them. Only Christ is the answer. Nothing more, nothing less.

Belize & China, Applause & Awkwardness

Wednesday I woke up at 5:30 in the morning to be off and ready for my first AU Rotary presentation with the Darlings, my host club. Well, we were all ready...everyone except me, of course. I even got my things ready the night before! How do I manage to be “running behind” every time? *shrugs* John and Marie are very considerate, however, and didn’t make too great a fuss about my being a few minutes late. We hopped into the car and off we were! When I arrived at the meeting location, I met Mike, the President of Sydney Darling Harbour, as well as many of the members. Their club has about 25 strong members, as I understand. Lovely people! I warmed up, suffered through not being able to consume my food while everyone around me did just that (I try not to eat before I sing), and, after a kind introduction from John, proceeded to give my presentation.

“This would be no different from my other presentations,” I thought. How wrong I was! As soon as I got to the pictures of last year’s Belize trip, I couldn’t hold my emotions together any more. Those were my kids! And Mrs. Mesh is no longer with us! And these girls have dreams, just like I do. And I want to help them see their dreams become a reality. One feels so small when one compares oneself to the immeasurable scale of life and its circumstances. However, I can do all things through Christ Jesus, who strengthens me. Praise God!

The presentation went well, I think, and I plan to attend once more next week, when one very influential political and community leader comes to speak on her involvement with improving the lives of and providing homes for homeless people. Sounds very interesting!

I went to school after my presentation, inadvertently just missing a class I had been invited to sit-in on. However, this first class was just the “hellos” and “set-ups”, I think, so I hope to make next week’s. I did get the chance to make many new friends, though! All such gifted musicians!! It blows my mind. I get to study in the same institution as people this talented!? WOW! THANK YOU GOD!

In the middle of coffee and conversations, we are suddenly bombarded with a Chinese camera crew. I know, it sounds random, but stay with me. A famous Chinese Opera performer, known as Li Yugang, had been performing in Australia. He came out to meet a few students and see the school (as well as make a few pro-mos., of course), and since we just happened to be sitting conveniently in his path, he had a chat with us! Now, this was one of the coolest musical encounters I’ve had so far. Chinese Peking Opera is quite different from Western Opera. In fact, most Western audiences may think it quite “grating on the ears”, for the sound is very resonant and forward in the placement (the best way I can discribe it is by comparing it to Fran’s laugh from “The Nanny”). Now, as a musician, I can appreciate this difference in musical taste. In Chinese Opera, men play both the female and male roles. Li Yugang is renowned for his talents in being able to come across as a handsome, strapping young lad and, just moments later, as a beautiful and graceful woman of culture. You have to see the pictures to believe it!! The contrast is striking but very unnatural to me. In fact, I still feel a bit strange when watching him perform as a woman.

So, there I was with this famous Chinese artist, and guess what transpires in the next half-hour or so!? I sit next to him, sing for him, sing with him and am encouraged and invited to visit China to perform with him one day! Now, granted, it wasn’t just me his producer was talking to. Obviously this guy wanted promotion and media coverage, but the fact that I got to have such an exchange from someone so, so different from my own culture, in such a rare and sporadic moment....it was just totally sweet!

When Li Yugang asked why I was at the Con, I replied I was actually on scholarship through Rotary as an Ambassador of Goodwill for America, my country. As his assistant translated my response, he nodded slowly and smiled, “Me too!” How cool? So, all in all, my afternoon was quite exciting!

And, to add to all of that, I have two and a half of my songs memorized! :D My first lesson with Barry Ryan on Wednesday. I'm totally excited!

Last night I went to the District 9750 Presidents’ meeting, where I performed two pieces. The first was the all-too-famous O mio babbino caro, a-capella, while the second was a broadway piece entitlted The Girl in 14G. I really like the latter. It requires you to be able to sing in broadway, classical and jazz fashion. However, I don’t think it went over so well with the crowd. Few people laughed, and the entire time I was performing, I kept thinking, “Eesh, get me off this stage!” The energy was very dead. It was an older crowd, however, so maybe that had a lot to do with it? I don’t know...it was pretty uncomfortable. When I went back to my chair, people kindly whispered, “Great job,” or “That was really good!” or things of the sort, but I could still feel that energy in the room. If you’re a performer, you understand what I’m referring to. It’s that sense of... “Totally should have done a different piece.”

I sat there in my seat, wishing I were the size of an ant so that I could squish myself into oblivion, when the Spirit kicked in and said, “Hey, dude! Stop your moping! Your value is not in your performance. Your life is not in impressing others. Your existence does not end at the end of your lifetime! Remember, there’s this little thing called ‘eternity’ just waiting to happen.”

Thank you, God! How quickly I forget that if my mind is set on things of the Spirit (the eternal) it is life to me, but when I set my mind on the flesh (my desires and the things of the world) then it is death.

So, I cheered up quite quickly as I pondered about my God and how great He is to me, and before I knew it, the meeting was over. I got many contacts who wish to have me speak and perform at their meetings. Yay for calendars!